«Совершенство, которое мешает жить» — When Perfection Gets in the Way of Life

“He is a narcissist”, “she is narcissistic”: we immediately picture someone vain, self-centred and dismissive of others. Yet narcissistic feelings are part of being human: we all sometimes crave a boost to our self-esteem, worry about other people's opinions or feel ashamed of our imperfections. A narcissistic character develops when these experiences become overwhelming and self-esteem rests on others' judgements rather than one's own values. There is no need to demonise it. We can seek to understand it.

I explore this character structure from its roots to its expression: how it develops in childhood, its components, including arrogance, boredom, envy, fear of mistakes, people-pleasing and anger, and what can be done. A separate chapter is for partners, colleagues and children; seven skills are for those who recognise themselves. I do not promise narcissism will disappear: psychotherapists still debate that, and I say so openly. I offer something different: suffering less from your own traits and causing less distress to those close to you. I know my own traits first-hand.

• Seven self-help skills, from a non-judgemental approach to becoming interested in your own company
• Twelve narcissistic traits explored individually, including arrogance, boredom, envy, fear of mistakes, people-pleasing and anger
• A separate chapter for those close to someone with narcissistic traits: avoiding victimisation and setting boundaries with a narcissistic boss
• An honest discussion of whether change is possible: the author explores psychotherapists' debate and his own traits